#3

I was in a bubble. A glass case. Watching a TV show. A scene from an ER. A young blonde girl has been wheeled in from an ambulance, unconscious, intubated, bruised, in a stiff neck brace and on a board. Her naked body covered under a thin sheet. Twenty people in yellow gowns and masks surround the body, shouting orders and taking commands. It was a well choreographed dance I watched. Each person completing his own task in well coordinated chaos. Poking. Prodding. Measuring, x-raying. As one they rolled the body to its side, her naked backside exposed. At other times the sheet shifts, exposing her breasts. Such violation I witness. Such arbitrary loss of dignity. It breaks my heart for her.

I stand silently off to the side, my dull tear-stained eyes staring, taking it all in. Mumbling something of seeming importance occasionally to the social worker at my side, who alerts the doctors that it might have been a medication administered at the last hospital, that she was still having seizures until right before we left, that she was hit in the head but didn't lose consciousness, that she has no history of seizures.

Eventually her father arrives and joins the solitary audience. After awhile she is wheeled through the hospital to ICU where the yellow coats settle her in, then begin to disburse. Her body tremors (not seizures?) and she is tucked under a blanket. Her dad and I settle on the couch to continue our vigil. It hurts to look at her. It hurts to talk to her, wondering if somewhere in there she can hear me. It seems lately everything I say annoys her, and I'm so very self-conscious of everthing I say, hoping to bring comfort and not annoyance. I stroke her arm and forehead, somewhat reluctantly, knowing that if she were awake I would not be allowed this luxury. Wondering if in her head she's willing me to remove my hands from her. I've lost confidence in my ability to mother her, to bring comfort. God, when did that happen?

So Good

"Earlier in the day, while killing some hours by circling in blue ball-point ink every uppercase M in the front section of a month-old New York Times, Chip had concluded that he was behaving like a depressed person. Now, as his telephone began to ring, it occurred to him that a depressed person ought to continue staring at the TV and ignore the ringing - ought to light another cigarette and, with no trace of emotional affect, watch another cartoon while his machine took whoever's message.

That his impulse, instead, was to jump to his feet and answer the phone - that he could so casually betray the arduous wasting of a day - cast doubt on the authenticity of his suffering . He felt as if he lacked the ability to lose all volition and connection with reality the way depressed people did in books and movies. It seemed to him, as he silenced the TV and hurried into his kitchen, that he was failing even at the miserable task of falling properly apart."

- The Corrections, by Jonathan Franzen

Anyone who hasn't read this book absolutely needs to. Its freakin intelligent, witty and hilarious, and a very entertaining read. I feel like I need to quote from almost every page.

Growing Old Gracefully . . . or Not

Here are the reasons I judge people who have plastic surgery:

• It seems very superficial
• I think its important to be happy with what you're given, to honor and respect the body Goddess gave you
• It is often done to impress other people
• It is done to attract attention to oneself, to show off for girls and get guys

Here are the reasons I want to get plastic surgery:

• I am a physically fit person, always have been. But the older I get, the bigger this tire around my waist gets. Regardless of how I exercise or eat, it stays the same. No, it gets worse. The skin sags, the muscles sag. My belly is a fleshy mess that no amount of diet or exercise will fix.
• I don't consider myself vain, but I want to look good dammit!! Part of the satisfaction of working out is looking good, keeping a youthful figure. And as a result, feeling confident in the way I look. I'm losing that.
• My clothes don't fit me well anymore. I enjoy wearing fashionable clothes and jeans, but I always have this roll of skin lapping over my pants. Its unsightly. It makes me feel ugly. I constantly have to camouflage it. In dresses its this unsightly lump that makes me look pregnant.
• I think I have a lot of years left of looking/feeling good physically, except for this issue. I think I would be very happy if it were corrected.

So, there it is. I struggle with wanting to do something that I generally consider superficial. But, I've also always said if I had a big nose I likely wouldn't hesitate to "fix" it. I also wonder if its disrespecting my body, or demanding too much of my body. Its given me two beautiful children, not to mention many races and awesome physical experiences. Its done me well. But, what's wrong with wanting to "correct" the damage of childbearing?

Its the most wonderful time . . .

of the year!!!! Kids headed back to school tomorrow and after a superbly shitty summer, I'm so ready for a fresh start. We had a great vacation in Telluride (partly because K was able to have a friend along so she was generally in a good mood, and partly because my awesome sister drove down to visit!!) but the rest of the summer was a haze of driving kids everywhere, leaving work early and getting in late, writing checks, having cash demanded from me, having kids over, having kids gone, etc etc etc. I seriously feel like I almost lost my mind, and I definitely lost my temper all over K on a multitude of occasions. And of course to top the final week off, during my national HR conference K had 2 sleepovers and a party, and J cut his finger while removing the tags from his school clothes, resulting in an evening spent at the ER and 5 stitches.

Anyway, my approach on dinner this year is ingenious if I do say so myself. I've created a menu of dinnes that I'm capable of making relatively easily. The kids will pick 3 dinners per week, and then when I go shopping I just make sure I purchase all the ingredients for the ones they've selected. It takes all the thinking out of it for me!! And the deal is that they HAVE to eat it, since they picked it. And, they have to work together and agree on the 3 they select.

So far so good. We had grilled salmon and fresh green beans tonight, chicken tacos tomorrow and bean burritos Tues. Wed they're at their dad's and Thurs has been christened "vending night" as J puts it, aka do-it-yourself night. And wouldn't you know, K is already complaining that I'm not making dinner on Thursdays. Ugh. Good times with teens.

Dias works in the most mysterious of ways

I woke this day, the morning of my 40th, on the beautiful garden island of Kauai. This after I had decided I wanted to be at home on my birthday surrounded by those I love. I went for a jog along the coast and took some time to meditate on a cliff above the ocean, honoring the divinity that resides within me and within the world, and that connects us all. It was a beautiful moment and a gorgeous way to commemorate my last 40th years and the beginning of my next 40.

Alas, now I am off to work and some very difficult meetings. Goddess give me strength and help me to act with dignity.

THIS is what I'm sayin . . .

http://www.charitywatch.org/articles/cancer.html

Many hundreds of breast cancer organizations have sprung up over the last few decades. With all of the soliciting and cause-oriented marketing being done to cure or assist victims of breast cancer, one might assume that it is the form of cancer that women are most likely to be diagnosed with, yet this is not the case. According to government statistics, more women have non-melanoma skin cancer than breast cancer and more women die of lung and bronchus cancer (68,084 in 2003, the latest figures available) than those that die of breast cancer (41,619 in 2003). Two-thirds as many women died of colorectal cancer as those that died of breast cancer in 2003. Yet based on a search of Guidestar’s database of charity tax forms, 1,326 charities mention being involved with breast cancer and only 56 charities mention work in colon cancer and 11 in rectal cancer. Why are there only 5% as many groups addressing colorectal cancer as breast cancer victims? A likely reason is that colorectal cancer, also called bowel cancer, is not as attractive from a fundraising or marketing perspective as a disease that affects what is considered one of the most beautiful parts of a woman’s body.
Look-a-like charities abound in the cancer area, some with opposite grades. National Breast Cancer Coalition Fund receives an A rating from AIP, yet the similarly named National Cancer Coalition and Coalition Against Breast Cancer receive F’s. In fiscal 2006, the A rated Breast Cancer Research Foundation granted nearly $25 million or 87% of its budget to medical research, whereas the closely named F rated American Breast Cancer Foundation (ABCF) spent nearly 87% of its budget on solicitations that included an educational message and only $357,500 or 2.4% on research grants. According to ABCF’s fiscal 2006 tax form $5,175,000 of the $12,726,000 that this charity pays to professional fundraisers goes to Non Profit Promotions, which is owned by ABCF co-founder Joe Wolf, who is also the son of ABCF’s president and co-founder, Phyllis Wolf. ABCF was created in 1998 and Non Profit Promotions was started a year later. Ms. Wolf told AIP that her son “decided that he wanted to move on and raise funds for us.”
Since potentially anyone could contract cancer it is very easy under current AICPA nonprofit accounting rules for a charity to claim that its solicitations are conducted for public education purposes. Nearly two-thirds of the cancer charities that AIP rates make such a claim in their financial statements. Charities can disguise the true cost of fundraising by throwing into a solicitation an action message such as “stop smoking,” “don’t stay in the sun too long,” or “check your breasts for lumps.” Adding educational messages to solicitations, even if nearly everyone not living under a rock is already familiar with them, allow charities to allocate a portion of the cost of their direct mail and telemarketing solicitation costs to program service expense.

Summer No. 39

Looking back, I can't believe the fantastic year I've had. Even though I've been somewhat moody and discontent at times, its been such a blessed year.

January - started the year renting out my rental property after having it empty for 6 months, and went for a hike on South Mountain with my boy J. Also got to go to the Cardinals NFC Championship game!

February - Annual girls ski trip to Telluride. I finally got the hang of snowboarding.
If I begged and if I cried, would it change the sky tonight? Would it give me some light?

March - took the kids snowboarding at Sunrise and schooled them both at snowboarding. Gained a new respect in their eyes. Took the kids to see Cavalia, except K was g rounded for the mini-moto incident. What a month.

April - went to Vegas for K's cheer tournament and hit the strip with J. Got hit on by married dude. One of many in 2009.

May - Completed a marathon, my lifelong goal before I turn 40, with my beautiful sisters in tow. What an awesome trip.

June - Did the Camp Pendleton mud run with girlfriends and had a fantastic girls weekend in Newport Beach.

July - Spent a week on Cape Cod with kids. Also checked out Boston and witch trials - great trip!

August - Went to Keith Urban concert and went to a golf tournament in Pinetop, had a great weekend.

September - traveled to Spain and England - saw Dover Castle and played The Grove.

October - Went to Denver with the kiddos for a week to visit my sister and her family!! Had a great week with our cousins. Was there during Balloon Boy Hoax!

November - Completed Catalina triathlon - yay!!! Had a fantastic weekend. Dated first real guy since my bad break-up last year. It didn't last but so what, I'm still a rock star.

December - Closed the year with a fabulous trip to Hawaii with the kiddos. We went surfing, ziplining, luau, sightseeing and good old fashioned beach time. Had a fantastic Christmas Eve dinner at a fine restaurant on the beach in Kauai.

See what I mean? What a great year! I've so enjoyed being 39.

And tonight I'm getting dressed up all fancy and going to a masquerade ball at a fancy hotel with some friends. What a great way to end the year!