Father's Day

I hate Father's Day. Really. This year in particular, its a day that I spend feeling isolated from the rest of society. While everyone is gushing about the heroics of their fathers, the life lessons learned, the love, the leadership, etc, I sit and feel like I'm the only person on the planet that doesn't feel that way about my dad.

Is it normal that people feel this way about their dads? This year was especially sentimental because of the unfortunate passing of Tim Russert. The focus all weekend was on him and his father worship. Hell, he wrote two books about the guy. It just seems odd to me that people really feel this way about their dads. Am I the exception, or the rule?

Don't get me wrong, I love my dad. He did teach me some life lessons. He taught me to take responsibility for my actions. He taught me that you won't get what you don't ask for. He taught me how to live simply and frugally. He taught me to speak grammatically correctly. He taught me how to play sports, where I learned to win sometimes but mostly lose, and I learned to be a team player. He taught my sister how to drive drunk without getting pulled over, a skill she practices regularly. But honestly, mostly he was absent, doing his own thing. I think the five us were a big burden to him. I even think he resented us sometimes, because of all he had to give up. He couldn't really live his own life from the tender age of 19 when my mom got knocked up. After that, all his time, money, resources were sucked away from him. When he finally accomplished his dream of owning his own business it failed, probably due to his lack of education and business judgment, and we lost everything. He was sometimes angry, often quiet, mostly gone from what I remember.

But sometimes he was happy. My favorite memories of him were seeing him playing his guitar on the back porch, a weed clenched between his teeth.

He left my mom within weeks of my youngest brother graduating from high school and joining the navy. Weeks before I got engaged. I didn't have a father/daughter dance at my wedding (I was angry). And by that time he was living with the hall monitor at the high school where he taught, presumably whom he'd left my mother for. I can't blame him for leaving my mom, even then, but I did feel deeply abandoned. I got over it.

I don't have angry feelings towards my dad. I think I understand him. I do love him and mostly I'm just grateful to accept what he can give as a dad. Sometimes (often) I'm ambivalent about him. He doesn't have a lot of impact or influence in my adult life. Often when I refer to my dad, my kids will say, "wait, who's your dad?" and I have to describe him in terms of he and his wife and where they live. Only a year ago I mentioned my dad and my son said, "ya know mom, I don't think I've ever met your dad." And I had to explain that yes he had, that my dad was grandpa. And he said, "who's grandpa?" Sigh. It doesn't really bother me though, honestly. That's my dad, that's what he has to give.

But I don't worship him.